On a gloomy Sunday morning I begrudgingly rolled out of bed and headed out into the fog to self-reflect. Clad in an unfortunate ensemble of the only clothes I'd thought to pack (pom-pom hat, relic-of-the-nineties windbreaker, sweatpants, and aqua-socks included) I was grateful that the island was nearly deserted. Having spent the past six months avoiding the big "what comes next" question like the plague, this was admittedly not an ideal assignment for me. However, in the best interest of my grade I bundled up and resolved to think about some stuff. On my walk, in addition to some deep contemplation of personal issues (I'll get back to those), I found myself marveling at the scenery around me. Not particularly spectacular or aesthetically pleasing, especially in dense fog, but refreshing in a bracing and chilly sort of way. This is the location of so many fond childhood memories: countless icy swims, clam digs, bonfires, camp-outs, and canoe rides. Now I'm trudging along the same shore with eighteen years of memories in my heart pondering my future endeavors and innermost thoughts. It is a wonderfully calming feeling to know that I have always had and always will have a place of sanctuary and seclusion especially in this season of great change and uncertainty.
*WARNING: the rest of this has absolutely nothing to do with the accompanying pictures*
I also thought about myself a great deal. I thought about all the things that dominate my life, that I obsess over: my attitude, my intelligence, my physical flaws, my emotional shortcomings, the way I view others, and how I am perceived. Some of which I have control over, others I don't. Any sort of introspective activity usually sends me into a downward spiral of negative and self-deprecating thinking, so I shifted my focus in a bit of a preemptive strike.
Then, because this assignment is inherently spiritual, I reflected on my rather non-existent walk with Christ. I took a good look at the overall skepticism and indifference that influence my perspective of religious activity and spirituality and how little I am bothered my lack of faith and interest.
And then I thought about how content I am with all of that. I think I've finally reached that place in life where I realize that I am always going to have stuff to work on. I'm never going to be perfectly happy all the time and my life will never go exactly the way I want it to, but whose does? I'll always have problems and doubts and anxiety and baggage and insecurities. Who I am right now is imperfect and impulsive. I'm terrified and excited for my future at the same time and that's okay. I don't have to pick just one emotion to feel about this whole growing up business because, after all, complex people are the most interesting.
Sonia, you have this beautiful way of expressing your thoughts that just blows my mind. Even with an assignment like journaling, it sounds like you're writing a novel of your life, and it's amazing. Your blogs is probably one of my favorites because it is SO well written-so keep it up :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you know how loved you are by all of us. Well, at least by me and the people I've talked to. I wish people could see how beautiful they are in the eyes of others, especially because that is mostly what I worry about when I think of my appearance to the outside world. You are such a splendid individual and I hope you come to realize it soon because it's killing me that you don't see it. However, at the same time I understand something of what you might feel, and for that reason, I pray all the more that your eyes will be opened to not only how we, as your friends, see you, but how God sees you-which is beyond what our finite little minds can comprehend. I know He is going to do amazing things through you and I hope you encounter Him in a real way-nothing forced through the countless years at small Christian schools. Anyway, thanks for sharing and don't give up :)
Sonia I am right there with you. It is hard for most people actually to be positively introspective. I think this is because we are told by the world around us that we aren't perfect. However, we have the ability to be perfect that most people these days rule out because they can only visualize physical qualities. However, we have a God that will back us up one hundred percent no doubt. We all have the ability to be perfect despite what the world says. Just remember that one day we will all be perfect. So keep your chin up and go kick negativity's butt! I have no doubt that you will do this world good! :)
ReplyDeleteSonia, I feel for you so much. I feel the same way as you do (no surprise) about all of this. Also, you are too good at writing! This was so well worded! Good job :) Though I don't like thinking about the "what comes next" thing either, when I think about it, I hope it is filled with lots of great things for you!
ReplyDelete**I think going to Brown would be a good start. We can be neighbors ;)
Great blog Sonia!!
As always Sonia, you know how to turn a phrase. I definitely see what you're talking about with change being a pain in the rear. Though people keep asking (harassing) us all about our plans for the future, it's good to remember that no one has life all the way figured out, so there should be no pressure for us, especially not at age 18. Good job Sonia :)
ReplyDeleteOne of the most powerful phrases I've learned to apply to myself in the past three or so years is, "It's okay." Especially because-- usually-- there's something gracious and reassuring that follows my exhale into brokenness.
ReplyDelete"I don't know, and that's okay. He does."
"I'm messed up, and that's okay. I'm learning."
"My family's a mass of dysfunction, and I can't fix them. And that's okay. He is working."
You have never pretended to have a strong faith, and I think I've appreciated your candor in that. Even so-- like Hanna and some of your other classmates-- I wish you could feel the buoyancy of that Hope. Keep people around who will keep you talking about it (like me) and know that there is grace and love and patience for all the failings in the world.
I hope, on some days, you can pray, "God help me to see myself the way you do."
In the meantime, I'm praying for you.
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