Playing Devil's Advocate

I am not a villain nor am I an unreasonable man. I did not deny my nephew a proper burial; I denied a traitor a proper burial. Polynices betrayed me. He betrayed his city. Above all he betrayed the gods who, in their divine power, appointed me ruler of Thebes. Is that the sort of man who deserves to be honored and publicly lamented? I made my position on the matter clear from the beginning of this disaster. I plainly stated that Polynices "came back from exile to burn and destroy his fatherland and the gods of his fatherland, to drink the blood of his kin, to make them slaves- he is to have no grave, no burial, no mourning from anyone; it is forbidden" (131).  

Antigone initiated this ill-fated feud. She could have mourned her treacherous sibling in silence, but instead insisted upon defying my decree and sending the city of Thebes into a spiral of discord and dissension. Wretched Oedipus and his cursed offspring brought this tragedy upon my household.  It was Antigone's stubborn refusal to submit to my authority and subsequent criminal activity that are to blame.

I had already issued the edict when I learned of Antigone's defiance. Was I to retract my own mandate and be made foolish by a woman? "[I'll] have no woman's law here, while I live" (140). Thebes had just resolved a gruesome conflict, I could not back down on the first law I'd made since victory. My people needed a strong and steadfast ruler to lead them out of strife. And I provided them with one. An unreliable leader can be dangerous in a time of crisis. If I withdrew my sovereign order and exhibited weakness, the whole city would descend back into chaos.  Antigone had to be punished.

Unfortunately the gods ordained that I too must pay for my stubborn will and dedication to punishing the wicked and disloyal.  “Upon my head [they have] delivered this heavy punishment” (160).  I have now lost everything and everyone.  I made my decision and  I must live with it for the rest of my tragic days.

Signed,

Creon

King of Thebes

so I guess I'm a complex individual...

A girl sits cross-legged on the floor surrounded by a disarray of crumpled papers, dirty tea mugs, and discarded socks. She absentmindedly bites her lip in concentration as she scribbles furiously on a yellow legal pad, breaking her focus only to run her fingers through her unkempt hair. She then turns and scowls at the laptop screen filled with important deadlines, lengthy application forms, and impending grown-up responsibilities. With loathing in her eyes she slams the lid shut and stares at the still largely unfinished to-do list. She stomps over to the bookshelf and heaves a mountain of heavy textbooks into her arms before slumping to the ground and responsibly resuming her task. 

Several hours later, she suddenly sits up straight as the sound of the bedroom door down the hallway finally closing for the night reaches her ears. Throwing off the blanket draped Indian style around her shoulders she scampers to the door and, after furtively looking both ways, her footie-pajama clad figure disappears around the corner. 

Two brown eyes twinkling with mischief peer into the dimly lit kitchen. Methodically, the girl opens cupboard after cupboard searching for some elusive hidden object. With a look of fierce determination she hoists herself up onto the counter, as to more effectively search the last and most lofty cabinet. She rifles through the contents of the shelves and emerges with a  triumphant smirk and large bag of candy labeled "off limits until Halloween!" 

She waltzes triumphantly back to her room, forbidden loot in hand, snickering gleefully at the two oblivious people asleep behind the other door. After kicking the now long forgotten clutter of schoolwork out of her way, she stashes her hoard behind her pillow, pops a Disney movie into the DVD player, and lovingly arranges her stuffed animals so they can also view the featured presentation. With a sock monkey under the crook of one arm and a pile of candy under the other she snuggles down to watch the film, her eyes welling up with tears of contentment and nostalgia as the familiar story of Lady and the Tramp begins to unfold on the screen. Slowly she begins to drift off, a very childlike seventeen-year-old fast asleep in a nest of illicit empty candy wrappers.  

Personal Statement.

I was a troubled child to say the least.  Outward appearances indicated an emotionally healthy high school freshman who received excellent grades and maintained positive relationships with her teachers and peers. Behind this glossy veneer, however,  a completely different me existed. Years of suppressed resentment, anger, and insecurity manifested themselves in explosive outbursts, violent rage, and bouts of depression. My seemingly happy only child home became a toxic war zone and I was to blame. Eventually it became clear that an intervention of sorts was in order and I found myself on my way to a therapeutic wilderness survival program.

Upon arriving in the desert, I promptly recognized just how out of place I felt. Never before had I been so completely terrified, alone, and helpless.  The girls that I learned I would be spending all of my time with had landed in the program for a colorful variety of transgressions, and I hastened to brand them "delinquents" and with an air of absurd superiority isolate myself from the group.  My first memories after being dropped off in the wilderness and waking from the fog of sheer panic and disbelief are declaring the place a "sadistic Girl Scout camp" and being spit on by a llama which I then denounced as a "foul beast." I later learned that these pompous proclamations endeared me to my group-mates and would make for entertaining campfire conversation and impersonations for new arrivals. 

I frantically wrote home begging to be "rescued". I adamantly insisted that I did not deserve to be deprived of basic luxuries nor had my behavior warranted such harsh conditions. When it became clear that my pleas were going to go unanswered I decided to adopt the strategy that worked so well in the other areas of my life. I had long ago determined that if I pretended to have it all together, my pretense would become my reality and everything would be okay. So I feigned contrition and submissively completed my curriculum. I methodically calculated a list of steps to help me get out of the program more quickly and do as little self-reflection as possible. I didn't yet understand that what I so desperately needed was a change of heart and no amount of scheming or evasion tactics could achieve that. 

Spoiler alert: my evil plan didn't work, but that's not the end of my story. 


Little by little I noticed a transformation occurring. Through a series of emotional discussions and confrontations my eyes were opened to the kinship I was developing with the other girls. Although we expressed our brokenness in different ways and came from very different family, socioeconomic, religious, and cultural backgrounds we formed a bond that is unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Those relationships introduced me to a level of diversity previously nonexistent in my private school bubble, heightened my sense of awareness, and taught me valuable lessons in tolerance and compassion. They quickly became the most deeply meaningful friendships of my life up to that point.

Once my assimilation into the desert culture was complete my entire perspective began to shift dramatically. My once despairing and negative attitude toward the situation gave way to tenacity and perseverance. The desert that I had initially seen as a dead, arid, prison became a beautiful source of energy and strength. I embraced the bi-weekly showers, program issued outfit, and rationed meals. I began to articulate my feelings constructively and eagerly honed my survival skills. I discovered my leadership potential by directing and motivating my companions in our daily tasks and grueling hikes. I was pleasantly surprised when I was asked to mentor a younger girl who needed help composing letters home and to encourage positive behavior in her as she was notorious for causing conflict and disruption within the group.

 Forty-three days later, I was ready to venture back into the real world and rejoin society. Only then was I able to take responsibility for my actions, rebuild my family, and apologize to those I had wronged. I had left my life bitter and hostile and was finally able to return confident and renewed with a passion for service, leadership, and a strong desire to put into practice the lessons I had learned. 

The rough desert terrain and primitive existence perfectly reflected my raw and untamed emotions. Although it was overwhelming I came to understand that I was exactly where I belonged in order to come to grips with the reality of what I was and who I wanted to be.

Affirmation Solicitations

Assertive
Analytical
Fun/Funny
Mature
Intelligent

"She is diligent, resourceful, intelligent, and an excellent problem solver. She also possesses a maturity beyond her years which comes out in her refined tastes, her intelligent wit and humor, her incredibly perceptive insight, and her self awareness. Unlike many teens her age, Sonia has an understanding of the various trials of her life, and how her own strengths and weaknesses impact her psychologically, and can then weigh her decisions with that knowledge."

 "Sonia has a great sense of herself. She is confident and assertive, but she is also able to recognize boundaries and her own weaknesses. She is intelligent and creative, but remains open to constructive criticism. I would say that one of her best qualities is that she is interesting. She is usually very conversational and has the ability to cultivate depth in those interactions. She knows when to listen and when to encourage." 

Thank you thank you to the lovely people who wrote these affirmations. Thanks for taking the time to notice these qualities that I really hope I actually possess and write them down. 

I.N.T.P.

Introvert. Intuitive. Thinking. Perceiving.

Moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (44%)

Strong preference of Intuition over Sensing (88%)

Moderate preference of Thinking over Feeling (25%)

Moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (33%) 

• As an INTP, my primary mode of living is focused internally.

• INTPs live in the world of theoretical possibilities. They see everything in terms of how it could be improved, or what it could be turned into. They live primarily inside their own minds, having the ability to analyze difficult problems.

• They approach problems and theories with enthusiasm and skepticism, ignoring existing rules and opinions and defining their own approach to the resolution.

• The INTP is likely to be very shy when it comes to meeting new people. On the other hand, the INTP is very self-confident and vivacious around people they know well, or when discussing theories which they fully understand.

• The INTP may have a problem with self-aggrandizement and social rebellion, which will interfere with their creative potential. Since their Feeling side is their least developed trait, the INTP may have difficulty giving the warmth and support that is sometimes necessary in intimate relationships. If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If the INTP is not able to find a place for themselves which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical.

• The INTP is usually very independent, unconventional, and original. They are not likely to place much value on traditional goals such as popularity and security. They usually have complex characters, and may tend to be restless and temperamental. They are strongly ingenious, and have unconventional thought patterns which allows them to analyze ideas in new ways.

• A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves.

   I am SO guilty of all of this!

There are also several of the "INTP" traits I do not identify with. I am definitely not flexible and easy-going, I most certainly do not enjoy mathematics or computer systems, and I have made a countless amount of impulsive and emotionally charged decisions. However, the test was eerily correct in describing my incompetency in the area of "maintenance tasks" such as bill paying and budgeting. I also hope that I fall more into the "endearingly quirky" category rather than "eccentricity."  :)

Although I agree with much of the INTP profile I am VERY hesitant to confine myself to a formulaic definition or be defined by a machine. Due to my evidently skeptical nature the whole thing smacks of internet voodoo and lucky guess fortune-telling.

Mere Christianity

"Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ, and you will find Him, and with Him, everything else thrown in."  

This happens to be the last quote that Lewis leaves his readers with and also one that particularly resonated with me. It was the first passage I underlined when I initially bought the book (long before I actually got around to reading it, of course) and flipped to the back to discover how many pages it contained. In this piece of text, Lewis summarizes the purpose of Mere Christianity: to prevent and save people from living lives filled with hatred, loneliness, despair and ultimately, death. Instead he offers us an alternative: Christ. 

Lewis lays out the precise things that I have found in my experience with fulfilling the wants and needs of the all-important "I". If I were to be completely and utterly honest, I would have to admit to being a very selfish person. So often in my relentless pursuit of approval, self-worth, satisfaction, and success, I completely disregard the feelings and well-being of those around me and damage the relationships that matter most. In the midst of my frenzied search for what makes Sonia happy, Jesus gets pushed off to the side, forgotten, and ignored.  In spite of all of my efforts, all I seem to find is fleeting happiness, hollow contentment, and in the end, brokenness. For a long time, I thought that if I gave the appearance of having it all together that eventually my pretense would become my reality . But it never did. Regardless, I keep trying to find myself or define myself or whatever and I keep ending up with the same empty and disillusioned result. But this quotation offers me reassurance, hope, and a fresh perspective on the matter.

If I refrain from my ceaseless indulgence of me me me and wholeheartedly focus on letting Christ be at the forefront of my thoughts and actions I just might find that I feel a lot less empty and inadequate. Of course, life will still be messy, and I'll still make mistakes, but I firmly believe Christ is more than enough to balance out my imperfections and work me into his perfect plan. Then and only then will everything fall into place.

life.

Recently I engaged in the most intense game of Jenga probably ever played. It reached a point where the several foot tall tower was precariously balanced on one block. The tower recklessly swayed back and forth but refused to fall until one careless slip of the hand brought it crashing down accompanied by roared expletives and crushing disappointment. I realize now that this is a very familiar sensation. I frequently experience the fierce exhilaration of excitement,  the maddening anxiety of frustration, and the disheartening fizzle of defeat and misfortune. And quite often, in the game of life as well as in the game of Jenga, these emotions hit all at once in a confusing and unexpected blow. Oftentimes my reaction to these circumstances is not as composed or pretty as I would wish. But composed and pretty just isn't where I'm at. 

 I'm still figuring out where all the pieces fit. My tower of blocks is volatile and vulnerable. It is insecure, unpredictable and unstably balanced. However it is also exciting. It is dizzying, breathtaking, and consistently overwhelming. With the risk of rearranging and moving each piece comes unexpected challenges and great adventure. I'm working with the pile of blocks I've been given. Maybe my tower will end up small, wobbly, and plain. Or maybe, maybe it will turn out remarkably well and no one will know the frustration, disappointments, and countless tries, retries, and third chances it took to become secure and unflappable. 

rewriting the genius of Billy Collins

You are the imprint on the duvet,

the squeaky toy in my backpack.

You are the obstacle on the stairs

and the spilt water round the dish.

You are the peering eyes around the corner,

and the scratch marks on the settee.

However, you are not the howling in the night,

the fly on the screen door,

or the broken sink.

And you are certainly not the chorus of frogs.

There is just no way you are the chorus of frogs.

It is possible that you are the patch of sunlight on the floor,

maybe even the alarm clock in the morning,

but you are not even close

to being the dust on the antique cabinet.

And a quick look in the mirror will show

that you are neither the ripped shoes in the closet

nor the stack of newspapers.

It might interest you to know,

speaking of the plentiful imagery of the world,

that I am the sound of footsteps in the hall.

I also happen to be the stain on the table cloth,

the blanket on the couch,

and the old dent in the drywall.

I am also the raised voices in the garage

and the useless coffee cups.

But don’t worry I’m not the imprint on the duvet.

You are still the imprint on the duvet.

You will always be the imprint on the duvet,

not to mention the squeaky toy somehow in my backpack.