life.
Recently I engaged in the most intense game of Jenga probably ever played. It reached a point where the several foot tall tower was precariously balanced on one block. The tower recklessly swayed back and forth but refused to fall until one careless slip of the hand brought it crashing down accompanied by roared expletives and crushing disappointment. I realize now that this is a very familiar sensation. I frequently experience the fierce exhilaration of excitement, the maddening anxiety of frustration, and the disheartening fizzle of defeat and misfortune. And quite often, in the game of life as well as in the game of Jenga, these emotions hit all at once in a confusing and unexpected blow. Oftentimes my reaction to these circumstances is not as composed or pretty as I would wish. But composed and pretty just isn't where I'm at.
I'm still figuring out where all the pieces fit. My tower of blocks is volatile and vulnerable. It is insecure, unpredictable and unstably balanced. However it is also exciting. It is dizzying, breathtaking, and consistently overwhelming. With the risk of rearranging and moving each piece comes unexpected challenges and great adventure. I'm working with the pile of blocks I've been given. Maybe my tower will end up small, wobbly, and plain. Or maybe, maybe it will turn out remarkably well and no one will know the frustration, disappointments, and countless tries, retries, and third chances it took to become secure and unflappable.
"Oftentimes my reaction to these circumstances is not as composed or pretty as I would wish. But composed and pretty just isn't where I'm at."
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love you.
Have you ever seen toddlers play with blocks? You help them build the tower taller... And taller... and then all of a sudden, they swipe it with a chubby forearm and crack themselves up for the next two minutes. It's the cutest thing.
All that to say: there is grace for your volatility and vulnerability. There is grace for your unstable balance, and the cataclysmic fall. In fact, if you want to know the truth, there's not a single tall "tower" built in the Bible that doesn't fall down at some point. The tower of Babel, and tons of figurative towers in Isaiah are brought tumbling down: "God will bring down their pride despite the cleverness of their hands. He will bring down your high fortified walls and lay them low; he will bring them down to the ground, to the very dust." (Isa. 25:11-12) The tall careening towers in the Bible are usually symbolic of pride. There's plenty of frank humility in your writing, which makes it clear YOUR tower isn't a symbol of pride-- but all the same, take comfort in the fact that sometimes a crashing down is exactly what's needed.
And I wouldn't say that if I hadn't actually been through a catastrophic tower crashing down.
This is a great, unique image-- way to steer clear of cliches-- and makes me appreciate all the strengths, thoughts, gifts, efforts, and mess that make up Sonia. :)
Love love.
15/15
Oh Sonia. You always did know how to turn a phrase :) Lovely, lovely, lovely. I'm glad that you're taking real life events and seeing the Big Truth in them. Especially the funny ones. :)
ReplyDeleteThis analogy fits you insanely well. God knows how many existential crises we have had, and shared with each other. And of course how unstable we feel after a long, sleep deprived week of school (and jsb planning). I think your 'jenga tower' is beautifully unique- not necessarily always composed, but that is perfectly fine. You are a stronger 'tower' than you realize. :)
ReplyDelete1. I really want to play jenga now.
ReplyDelete2. We should dedicate a day to playing this in AP.
3. I hope you don't mind buuuuuutt if(more like when) i become famous, ill be using this analogy some how (:
I know what you mean when you say "intense jenga game". You don't know what an emotional crisis is until you play a jenga game to a certain point where every move could be the last one. But even with the anxiety, as you pointed out, comes lots of other emotions. The excitement when you think another person is going to be the one to fail, the joy when your peice is retreived safely and youre free for a little while, the fear when you see the tower sway. But all those emotions are to be expected.
I enjoy that i can tell who wrote this by some of the wordings here. You show off a humorous tone, but it also has done seriousness too. You and i are friends, but were not very close, but I feel like i could begin to understand you more by reading your blogs haha i liked reading the analogy, and ill have to think back to it when i wonder what is going on with my life. (: